Relationship Coaching Through the Deida Work

When I was first introduced to the Deida work, I found myself in my head; a lot of "should be"s. My prior relationships didn't work out as planned so I figured this was a new way of thinking that might help me open further. My partner at the time invited me to look deeper into these ways of thinking.

Turns out that all the "should be"s were inviting much self-criticism; not a healthy energy for her, me, or us. By living in the "should" be, I was not accepting what is. In time I was better able to be in the moment, whatever it presented. This included my own variable masculine and feminine essences, as well as those of my partner.

As much as the Deida work can be viewed as left-brain thinking, I now see it as whole-body being.
She and I no longer date for other reasons, yet I am forever grateful for her and for what I've learned (in fact I'm wholly grateful for all those I've ever dated!). I even use some of these concepts into my own work as a Medical Intuitive and Spiritual Healer.

Thank you, Michael for bringing this work into the consciousness of those seeking deeper intimacy!
 

Michael, although I've read all of Deida's books, done several weekend workshops with him, and was in a Deida Men's Group for 1 year, I still have confusion as to my sexual essence.

At different times I've considered myself heterosexual, bisexual, or gay.

I'm successful in the world, and have been heart - centered/ touchy feely to the degree that I sensed I was becoming too soft.

Although our culture pushes men into masculine essence, I've always sought out my own path, instead of being what I think others think I should. On one hand, I'd like your comments on whether I'm masculine or feminine, I know these are only labels, and my true essence is deeper.

Intimate relationships has been the biggest challenge of my life. Although I've had alot of sex, with women and men, relationships have been more difficult. I am directed to an intimate loving rel with a woman, and a guy on the side for the intense masculine passion, that I've only been able to get from another man. It's a path I've created myself, since the standard gay or straight doesn't fit. However it's not clear if this will take me where I want to go, to deep loving relationships...since a relationship with two people is much more difficult than with one.

My attraction to women as well as men has been confusing.

Any suggestions?

Thank you,

Tomas
 

I would love to see a response to Tomas' question. My specifics are very different, a woman with a pretty strong feminine essence who is a life long feminist and has grown strong over many years, I now feel a split. Drawn to masculinte and softer men, at different times (loving the support and kindness of the latter, they only seem to reinforce my strength) but not wanting to be subservient in any way to a more masculine partner, I'm also really confused...

Can you address the issue of how much of our training, our wounds and fears, our mission-driven needs for autonomy at certain times in our lives etc. can have an impact on our choices and what it does to our sexual essence.

Thank you for bringing more of Davdi's work to the world.

Leya
 

Hi Dave,

Thanks for your posting. As I experience it, everything is a choice, the Deida work, Mars and Venus work, Tantra, History of Art 101, Advanced Kayaking.

There was a risk to every undertaking we choose. The Deida work encourages a degree of discipline and introspection. If you have no idea how to even describe the amazingly diverse qualities of masculine and feminine, and how those differences can actually take you deeper into love, then looking at these principles can feel like ‘should’s but they can also feel like challenges. If it speaks to you, it will be a revelation. Clearly, this work is not for everybody, but it seems to have struck a tone in the community of those seeking alternatives to replace habits and behaviors that have been painful and unfulfilling.

The practices and disciplines definitely bring attention to a shift in habitual living. Just taking a minute a day to breathe with your partner can have an extraordinary benefit. Opening your body to be a vehicle to give and receive love, to serve not just yourself and your partner but to affect all beings is perhaps the big picture that needs to be considered.

Great to hear that these concepts have benefited your professional and personal life, and thanks for the appreciation. It is a huge amount of work to offer coaching, presentations and development of the website, and it is hugely fulfilling.

Thanks again.

Michael J
 

Hi Tomas,
That you are being rather open and revealing about what is going on with you is very appreciated. I have never had a gay or bisexual interaction so I will do my best to answer your question as a heterosexual man.

According to Deida’s research, it’s possible that you may have a balanced sexual essence although that would seem unlikely because you seem to have a lot of passion for pleasure but you say relationships are not easy. That disposition is often considered to be the challenge for the masculine as masculine people (generally men) are primarily driven to succeed in the world in their chosen profession. And intimate relationships are secondary.

Being centered in your heart is about the evolution of our being. But being too soft suggests that there is something coming up for you that are very feminine.

Perhaps you are rebelling against the culture which you say pushes men into their masculine essence. More accurately, I think we could say that culture pushes men into their ‘macho’ behavior.

Look at the magazines that glorify the tough guy man and young sexy women. Our perceptions are still pretty narrow.

You have read Superior Man. My suggestion would be to re-read it and see if it’s possible to get back into your men’s group. Bring the relevant issues to get feedback from those who can see you better than you can see yourself.

Some coaching might also be helpful.

Michael J
 

Hi Leya,

Thank you also for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

For sure over the last 40 years, since the dramatic force of the women’s movement, feminism has given rise to a tremendous change in conditions for women, more so in western culture than in others. But things are starting to change worldwide. Change was swift in the United States and while there is still a long way to go, there are now laws in place to protect women from abuse and discrimination. Again, there is a long way to go.

Yesterday I happened to pick up my least favorite local newspaper, the New York Post. On page 3 was a large picture of Tony Soprano with a young ‘shapely’ woman, wearing a skimpy flesh-colored dress posing provocatively, nestled into his body. She was probably at least half his age, if not younger.

What message is that picture sending to society, to men and women, to teenagers, everyone?

The need for there to be a shift in consciousness is not going to come from this continual bombardment of seeing women as objects. So for sure, take a stand for the next step in what will hopefully be the evolution of intimacy and romance, one that’s build on respect and awareness.

Soft and loving men do offer kindness and support, but when they are more in their feminine, somehow this presence seems less than trustable to women. It doesn’t mean a masculine man can’t have a soft side, nor does being masculine means he has to be tough. It’s just that something about a man who is REALLY in his masculine according to the principals of the Deida work has a sense of his calling. He’s driven to do his life’s work, something he believes in, something he knows he has come here to do and must.

A man who exemplifies this way of being is neither soft nor tough. It’s more about being solid, present, open in his heart, yet unwavering in his commitment to give his deepest gifts, so he can die complete.

This disposition is not something to which you have to be subservient. In enlightened intimacy, that is when you have left your missions and goals at the office, you allow his depth of being to fill your heart, to enter the dance of your relationship. In this process, there is a surrender to that which wants to receive and be filled by a presence so deep, you are both vanished, dissolved into love. Your intimacy is a spiritual practice. Your masculine and feminine essences are drawn to each other, polarized sexually, emotionally and spiritually to serve not only each other but all beings.

Looking at the big picture, your reactions and dramas become less important than the two of you doing what you need to do so you can live a life fully given.

Everything is a choice. If Deida’s work speaks to you as it has to me, your life will never be the same, and you will find that romantic suffering becomes less and less a reality and the big picture of love is the home in which you thrive.

Michael J
 

Michael, thanks for your reflection. I've gotten alot of clarity on my relationship patterns, in the last few months... which included having a new girlfriend, spending 5 weeks in India, meeting a guy from the Internet for a blowjob, repeated gay phone sex, and ending the relationship with my girlfriend.

I realized the pattern I've been in, over and over, of being in a relationship with a woman, not communicating fully from my essence, then being dissatisfied because the relationship looses energy since I'm in fear and afraid to be real, then finding a guy for some hot genital sex, and finally ending the relationship with the woman because it's dead.

While all along I've been justifying my difficulties in relationship by saying I'm bisexual, I see the result has been a deficit of intimacy in my preferred relationship with a woman.

My experience and knowledge of gay relationships tells me that the polarity and depth of a man/woman relationship is not possible with a gay relationship. I know it's not PC, and not what David teaches, but I've seen it over and over in my life and in the lives of others. No doubt there are exceptions, but research and knowledge from the street indicate long term gay partners are not sexual with each other. I believe that is because they have no gender polarity... which is far more critical than "inner masculine / inner feminine polarity". I recognize that my "attraction" to men was a shadow of my fear of going deeper with a woman.

Tomas