Modern Intimacy Coaching
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Introduction
There is an enormous crisis in the world today in how people communicate and share in their intimate relationships. If your relationship is working and there is a conscious flow of love, then read no further. If you are still struggling to understand how to be in a deeply loving relationship, then read on.
Modern Intimacy coaching is based on universal principles that offer a unique approach to understanding and expressing love in an intimate relationship. It specifically explores the interplay of the archetypes of masculine and feminine essences as they unfold in the relationship.
This coaching introduction will facilitate your understanding of the basic concepts used in the coaching. It serves as a kind of re-education — an unlearning, if you will — of conditioned behavior patterns that have obstructed the love and intimacy you most desire. This coaching also calls you to consider the “big picture.” In other words, we ask how does a healthy relationship serve not only you, but also serve your family, your friends, your community and the world. How do we cultivate, stabilize, and sustain a change of attitude that will benefit you as an individual as well as your partner, or your partner-to-be?
Before coaching sessions begin, you are asked to fill out a questionnaire that not only gives the coach important background information but it allows you to answer questions that will make it clearer what is behind the issues you have. Answering the questionnaire actually facilitates the coaching process even before the first session.
History and Patterns
What we learned about intimacy was haphazard. Our first role models were our parents, and for many of us, this was not a pretty picture. Add to that the influence of school, religion, media, friends and family, and the picture gets even cloudier. We have all learned ways to protect ourselves from the fear and pain produced by these influences. Common protection patterns range from being shy and withdrawn, shutting down and punishing silence, to hostility, manipulation and aggressive behavior.
Aggressive patterns include an unconscious drive to control, manipulate, or be overly critical of a partner. The worst case scenarios involve violence. These behavior patterns, whether they are the passive or aggressive, can be transformed. You can think and act differently from the conditioning that has shaped you. You do not necessarily need years of therapy although in the sessions, it may be determined that you may need additional healing and support.
Most of us have been exposed to traditional relationships in western culture. We’ve seen that men often dominate women, and that women have submitted because they believed they had no choice. These kinds of relationships have been based on dependence and inequality that have persisted since the dawn of civilization. In the mid 60s, there was quite an upheaval and reaction to the status quo. Women, in particular, took a stand for their rights. Since then, our society has made great advances to end gender discrimination even though we still have a long way to go.
The last 40 years have ushered a huge shift regarding gender equality, especially in the business world. This expectation of equality has extended beyond the workplace and into the home. Our well-intentioned efforts have created a society where men and women are more independent than ever before and thus, there has been a great emphasis on achieving fairness across the board. However, this drive for fairness and independence has affected intimate relationships. While we don’t want to slide backwards to the way things used to be, in the midst of all the change, we’re not sure how to advance intimacy to the next level of awareness. When the women’s movement began, there was no way to predict what society would look like after more than two generations. In our attempt to make sense of all these changes, there have been endless books and articles addressing this subject yet the struggle and suffering continues to rage.
We don’t want to slide back into the old roles that were played out by men and women, but we would also want to move beyond a protected sense of self-sufficiency that has grown out of a greater respect for human rights.
We all yearn to experience deep and vulnerable emotional openings that will foster a strong bond with an intimate partner. We want spiritual union in this bonding. We want our intimate partner to be not only a companion, but also our lover, our teacher, and our friend. If you are in an intimate relationship, your partner is your teacher, no matter how much you resist the lessons. He or she is probably also a close friend, but what seems to be missing in how men and women relate is realizing that your partner is your greatest ally for your awakening into the possibility of deeper love. If you think there’s a reason for everything, then there’s a reason why you are with your partner and there’s a reason why you are reading this article.
Equality vs. Polarity
Many of us believe that we can achieve happiness in an intimate relationship if we treat each other as equals, by splitting responsibilities down the middle and aiming for balanced partnership. This may be useful in practical terms, but it is actually a detriment to a passionate and thriving relationship. Here’s why:
Polarity, the polar opposition that first drew you to your partner, still lives in your consciousness, no matter how trapped your relationship appears. In other words, if you are in a relationship, there is a way to reactivate the bliss of attraction that first brought you together. As you take part in the coaching process, you are asked to dwell on this recollection and let it re-emerge with a healing intention. If you are not in a relationship, becoming aware of the dynamic of sexual polarity will serve you greatly in your next one.
The dual desires for polarity and equality account for much conflict in intimate relationships today. We naturally ask: is there something beyond the wholeness of two independent and balanced people relating as equals? If you have managed to achieve this wholeness with your partner and still find that you are struggling more than celebrating, then Modern Intimacy may have some insights into how you can create the relationship you most desire.
Let’s consider three stages of both personal and interpersonal development. These phases help us understand how we relate intimately.
Stage One: Self-Protection
All of us experience stage one even though it comes and goes. This stage
emerges in its simplicity as the basic instinct to survive. In an intimate
relationship this instinct will more than likely invite opposition from your
partner, unless you have identical needs that are matched moment to moment. But
that is unlikely!
Many of us live in little bubbles of protection. We did
not come here to cut ourselves off, and yet to some extent, we are always on
guard. How often have we used the phrase, “You caught me off guard?” Why would
we ever want to be on guard? As newborns and then little children, we lived in a
world of endless discovery. We pulled people’s noses and their hair, put all
sorts of things in our mouth. We crawled around a world of endless fascination
but at some point, we were told “no” to our enthrallment with life. Somewhere
along the line, in a tone that was less that encouraging, someone said “Don’t
crawl there you’ll get dirty,” “Don’t pull people’s hair, they won’t like that.”
And thus began our conditioning out of innocence and into what we needed to get
approval.
Those who were responsible for feeding us and giving us shelter were either our parents or other caregivers. Once we became aware that there was a consequence for disapproval, we began to experience fear. As the disapproval continued, our fear grew. How did we know their disapproval wouldn’t lead to more serious consequences so we started to fit in to a more narrow way of being.
Many of us were taken over by the fear that we might not survive unless we pleased our primary caretakers, and with this, our innocence faded and faded. Ironically, we are often repeating these conditioned behaviors with an intimate partner. In the beginning of any relationship, it is like an endless wonder and we rejoice in the innocence, maybe for a few hours, a few days, a few months, even a few years. Then it often seems to disappear. For some of us it fades into a dispassionate friendship. Someone who was once our soul mate has become our cellmate; both prisoners inside a thick-walled fortress of protection.
In the work of Modern Intimacy, you can reclaim your innocence. In doing so, the barriers between you and your partner begin to dissolve. One of the first steps in the coaching is to acknowledge that you are not your conditioning. No matter how trapped you think you are by it, it’s not who you really are. It may feel like it's your identity, but it will begin to fade as we explore the resistance to the unconditional love you expressed as a child. From this awareness that which you believe you must do for self preservation starts to take on a different light. The fear of allowing this kind of change can feel overwhelming but that’s because it reopens old hurts that have not been previously addressed. It is however a part of the healing process and you can look at it as the storm before the calm.
Modern Intimacy is an approach to relationships that not only includes your intimate partner but your intimacy with the moment. Issues you have with an intimate partner are often issues you have with yourself. If you want to give and receive love in a balanced and reciprocal way, you will probably never have what you seek. Love is about giving, giving without conditions — no strings attached. If you can start to fully give yourself in love, you will begin to feel a shift in perception. This requires a change in attitude and a willingness to practice a different way of relating.
Here’s an exercise – are you willing to love your fear as it arises moment to moment? The more you resist your fear, the more intense it grows. Just for a moment can you say, “In this instant, I’m a fearful person?” Breathe that fear down into your belly and as you exhale, simply declare, “I set you free.” This is a process of self-talk that facilitates awareness and healing. More and more, science demonstrates that what we think and say has a direct effect on our mental, emotional, and physical state. This is science speaking, it’s not just positive affirmation.
Breathe in the fear and set it free. See what happens on your next breath. Maybe you’re breathing in the color of the sky. Maybe you’re breathing in your loneliness. Whatever it is, exhale and set it free. Are you with a partner and do you still feel lonelier than ever? Are you not with a partner and do you feel lonely? Inhale that loneliness and set it free. Your partner comes from the same innocence as you, breathe in his or her innocence and even set that free. Alone or with a partner, your innocence is the source of your being.
Stage Two: Equality
Stage Two brings us to modern times. Women are no longer expected to stay home and take care of the house and children, and men are no longer expected to be the sole source of finances for the family. Fixed roles have been shaken by tremendous changes in society over the last 45 years. In this new period of human potential, we have learned and are continuing to learn to let go of our rigid, fixed ways of relating.
Here is where we get into the essential material of Modern Intimacy: defining who you are in this newly reforming social structure. Understanding this dynamic is essential to creating a healthy relationship.
Here are the facts from a historical perspective. Men in the 1960s began to get in touch with their feminine side; they learned to “go with the flow” rather than simply being single-minded, analytical, and goal oriented. They let their hair grow long, began to dance, went into nature, and sought a less structured lifestyle. Women, on the other hand, were now free to embrace their masculine side. Instead of having little choice outside of being a housewife, they stepped into the business domain with purpose, vision, and direction. Women began to achieve financial independence and gain power in politics, business, and other careers. They earned college degrees and became more assertive in claiming their rights.
As men and women began to embrace both masculine and feminine qualities, the logic of being whole emerged. Men became more sensitive, more in touch with their feelings. Many became what we call SNAGs, “Sensitive New Age Guys.” Women became stronger and more independent. Because women had been kept down for so long, some actually had to take assertiveness training just so they could express an opinion without fear of a consequence. Our society grew to embrace the balanced, whole person, one who could express a masculine and feminine side equally. But this quest to blend and diminish gender differences has affected intimate relationships.
The Archetypes of Masculine and Feminine
To better understand the challenges that people face in an intimate relationship, we have to look at the archetypes of masculine and feminine. The earth is called what? Mother Earth. Why is it called mother and not father? The earth is constantly changing, constantly giving new life, and it’s unpredictable. Women all have the promise of generating new life. Men do not. Women have periods and heat cycles. Their bodies have higher water content and in general, they are more emotional. Their bodily make up is 20 percent muscle, while men are 40 percent muscle. Men and women are simply wired differently.
If we were to close our eyes and meditate on Mother Earth, we would most likely be drawn to her pleasing aspects: peaceful valleys, blue skies, flowers. Our conditioning has taught us to reject her more turbulent attributes, such as hurricanes, volcanoes, floods, tsunamis, cyclones, the list goes on. Because of the power of Mother Earth, her winds and waters that can sweep you away and destroy everything in her path, there has been an undercurrent of fear of the feminine. This has persisted since the dawn of civilization.
Thus, what we have come to desire is that women only embody the qualities of “beautiful” Mother Earth. This is because we do not honor her destructive elements as “beautiful” and valuable, as well as being sacred. In other words, when the feminine storm rises up, men need to learn to embrace it as an expression of all of her. What is born from the feminine upheaval is always new understanding and awareness. When there is an upheaval from her, what is born from what seems ferocious is anything but. The range of emotion and movement that women express is vast; their beauty takes different forms. Limiting her expression limits the possibilities of deep intimacy.
The physiological and anatomical makeup of women is decidedly different from men. Women’s bodies are more volatile than men’s and they have less muscle mass. These physiological differences also mirror emotional differences, and these differences actually create the foundation for Modern Intimacy as an approach to love and romance. The greater the distance between two poles, the greater the attraction. Thus, the greater the life force between two people drawn as they are drawn together.
The archetype for the masculine, in Western culture, is God the Father. From this perspective, beyond the blue skies is an infinity of love, but this infinity is also a vast stillness. As most religious principles state, God is infinite. For purposes of keeping this conversation to the play of the masculine and feminine, I will put forth the notion that beyond the blue skies is the infinity of love which we call God the Father. Beyond the blue skies, there is no oxygen, no ice cream, no children, no spring, no summer, just a vast nothingness. There is only the pure, clear stillness of existence. The great religions of the world have been organized by men who, in one way or another, have sought this infinity of silence. What many of these men have failed to realize is that only together with the movement and life of “She,” the Mother, the parallel expression of feminine spirituality, is there completion and full formulation of the masculine and feminine principles that bring us into a state of transcendence.
Looking more closely at the attributes of the masculine, there is a history of his having to face death. Men have gone to battle since humans first formed into tribes. In movies and endless war stories men are willing to die for each other, to protect the village, the society, the nation. You don’t generally see women on fierce battlefields, ready to join the men. Why is this! It’s because the feminine is about life, and not facing the fear of death. This does not mean that women cannot go into battle; it's just that from the archetypal point of view, the feminine disposition is more interested in creating life and abundance than the ending it. This is the disposition of “Her.” Engaging in a battle to the death is about bringing things to an end. Extreme sports offer a modern eexpression of the masculine disposition. Women are not as drawn to participate in these challenges which are, in a sense, an attempt to cheat death.
The feminine is about life, color, texture, design, feeling, aliveness. She doesn’t want to face death. She wants life to keep expanding. Again, this is not to say that men cannot embrace the disposition of desiring life in abundance; however, they have an innate tendency to compete with and overcome one another, even if it means fighting to the death.
When we understand the differences between the masculine and feminine, men especially will no longer look to pressure someone with a feminine essence into being other than what is her true nature. In other words, men who have a masculine core must come to realize that they simply cannot squeeze the ocean into a box. Furthermore, they become conscious that any attempt to do so only results in a rising storm that has the ability to crush anything in its way. It sounds simple, and in many ways it is. The feminine is everything that we can perceive in the physical world. The masculine is unchanging stability, which is not necessarily that sensitive to feeling. Standing present to the feminine depth of feeling will bring any man to a new recognition of her deepest heart, and this can create a connection deeper than ever between two partners.
Back to the new conditions that have taken place in most Western societies. Women have the right to do anything a man can do in the work world, the business domain. And it’s important to respect and enforce the rights that women have fought to obtain for centuries. Modern Intimacy is not about going back to stereotypes that have left us unfulfilled and fragmented. Rather, it takes the essential elements of these masculine and feminine archetypes and identities and feels into the spirit of each.
Clarity and understanding about these archetypes will give you a fresh perspective on your relationship. For the sake of the politics of fairness, we all have some masculine and some feminine qualities, meaning we can all express the attributes of both. By educating yourself about these archetypes, you will start to have a much better understanding of who you are in your sexual core, be it masculine or feminine. Because we live in sensitive political times, I want to reiterate, we can all express both sets of attributes. However, finding how to express your masculine or feminine essence to serve and deepen your bond in a romantic relationship is a key point to bringing your intimacy to a greater depth of fulfillment. But for simplicity’s sake, as we look closer at these distinctions, from this point on, feminine will be referred to as “she” and the masculine as “he.”
Exploring and understanding these archetypes and the complex nature of each are a revelation to those who seek to evolve in an intimate relationship. Feminine and masculine energies are expressing themselves constantly in every level of existence, and including your relationships. The feminine is about movement, inspiration and vibrancy, and above all, she is unpredictable. Most women embody the energy of the feminine the same way the planet does. Like the Earth, when the feminine is embodied in an individual, we see a broader range of emotion and creativity. Everything that has to do with movement, unpredictable change and creation can be characterized as “the feminine,” and for most women, this energy is fundamental to their essence.
Difficulties in relationships arise when the man, the masculine person, begins to embody and act out the same amount or more of the feminine energy than his woman, or vice versa. The “SNAG” is so busy trying to be balanced that a feminine person does not feel him rooted in his essential masculine nature. He is not alive in his connection to the masculine attribute of stillness, of his sense of purpose and literally doing what he has come here to do as a masculine being. These men have lost their "warrior edge" and actually have little notion of what it even means. Men have become less trustworthy to women, who then respond by relying on their own masculine drive and ability to make things happen, to protect and provide for themselves. For women, this may be necessary in certain aspects of life such as career, but it often feels unsatisfying in the context of intimate relationships. In intimacy, we seek connectedness and flow, not a business deal.
In an ideal relationship, the feminine — the brilliant light of love — opens to receive the absolute and imperturbable masculine presence, his love expressing itself as strength and stillness. From this point, the two can meet in spirit and are thus literally united by a shared sense of the divine expressing through each other.
If you think this is a bunch of hollow spiritual preaching, experiment for yourself. If you are a man, experiment loving all of her, loving the feminine fully. If you have an intimate partner, see if you can love all of her — her sunny days, her stormy days, absolutely all of her. And if you are a woman, experiment by keeping your heart open during all interactions with your partner, not just the pleasant ones. It is easy to disconnect from your partner when he’s not fully present. However, maintaining a connection in all moments is a sacred opportunity to move beyond defenses and patterns that contribute to a troubled relationship.
Stage Three - Intimacy as a Spiritual Practice
Stage Three: Spiritual Polarity – Intimacy as a spiritual Practice
This brings us to stage three. For both men and women, herein lies your greatest freedom. By focusing on the “big picture,” you commit yourselves not just to each other, two limited and finite beings, but also to love, which is limitless and ever expanding. Start thinking the “big picture.” Use your intimacy as a spiritual practice. Instead of meeting your partner with the intent of “what I can get from this relationship,” allow a different attitude to arise: "what can I give?” Expand from there to “how can I serve you open to love?”, “how can I serve you open to the divine?” Put these thoughts in your consciousness and see the difference. There are practices that specifically support this approach to relationship and help you to catch yourself when you start to repeat an old and disruptive pattern. You will start to see something new and wonderful unfold from this approach.
There is little support for this expansive consciousness in our culture, but in order for the human species to evolve, such awareness must emerge.
In its simplest form, Modern Intimacy is a willingness to live a different way. It is simply a matter of choice. If two partners make a conscious choice to love all of each other, they just may surprise themselves with the unexpected gifts of an open heart. What is there to lose? With the divorce rate at over 50% and the endless dramas of secret and not-so-secret affairs, Modern Intimacy just may be the antidote to this malaise.
If you research some famous names in the field of better communication and intimacy, you will find that many of them still have not found a way out of their own predicament. This is not to judge other authors on this subject, but rather to highlight the fact that we are endlessly challenged to cultivate a deeper and more sustaining level of acceptance and love. You can see your resistance as an opportunity, or as a problem. It’s a matter of choice.
Looking again to the shifting conditions in western culture, we see the tendency to strive toward “politically correct” equality. Seeking balance and equality is to bring things to an even keel. But it is the attractive element of differences that lights the fire of an intimate relationship. In order for attraction, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual to flourish in intimacy, one partner has to exhibit the masculine and one has to express the feminine. When you have these two attractive poles, there’s energy, movement, and aliveness. This is the case in both gay and straight relationships. These differences are not needed for love, but they are needed for passion.
Very few people have a balanced sexual essence. Rare are two people evenly balanced, but where this occurs they are more drawn to a serene and loving friendship than to playing out passionate variations. Modern Intimacy coaching is most helpful for people who have a more clearly defined sexual essence, people who are attracted to their sexual reciprocal.
When you identify your sexual essence, your entire outlook starts to stabilize. That is to say, you simply know who you are as a masculine person or a feminine person. And the better you know yourself, the better you can interact with your attractive opposite. If you have a more masculine essence, you have a certain historical, cultural outlook. The same goes for women. The expressions of these attributes are actually universal principles, but growing up, it’s rare that learn about them . We learn certain things about the masculine and feminine behavior, but often it’s from an outdated the point of view or from those who manipulate it for power and control.
Fulfillment
The masculine fulfillment is freedom. What does that mean? In a sense, the masculine wants to bring things to an end. He wants there to be a conclusion, and then move forward to the next task, the next step, the next adventure, the next race. A masculine person is driven by a sense of purpose. He has a mission that must be accomplished. It means that his mission is what drives him first and foremost? A masculine person can have a series of missions, but he is always driven by a sense of purpose. Without this sense of purpose, his intimate relationship and his relationships with friends and family will be weakened. This instinct for freedom must be, above all, a priority to a masculine person.
He wants to experience a life that’s lived at the edge. And if he doesn’t have the wherewithal to do it, he’ll find ways to engage in it as an observer, live or on TV, sports events, adventure shows, etc. While limited in scope, vicarious adventures still gives him a sense of being on the edge. But it also can become an excuse for him to hang back and not give his inborn gifts that he must find a way to use in service of others.
Fulfillment of the feminine is love. Love is never ending, it’s full of life and always changing. There’s always a new chapter to the story. The desire for love for a feminine person takes many forms. She, the feminine, will be much more interested in the stories, dramas, etc., talking with friends. The feminine wants to be fulfilled by love and if the deepest joy of love is not forthcoming, she will find alternatives. Sometimes the alternatives take the form of shopping, eating food that brings comfort and other distractions. These distractions do not mean that men and women can’t enjoy watching sports and eating things they find delicious. The point is that what they choose for diversion and entertainment will often be an expression of their sexual essence.
In terms of intimacy, what is your preference? Would you prefer more to be swept off your feet by a perceptive and powerful partner, or to feel your partner yield and melt in your arms? Most people have a definite preference of one or the other. If you have a more masculine or a more feminine essence, there’s a part of you that wants to either be ravished by or to ravish your intimate partner. This word, “ravish,” is also key to Modern Intimacy. To ravish is to overwhelm with deep and pleasurable feelings or emotions. For most of us, we are conditioned that this is a taboo. We learn to control our emotions and desires and we rarely think about ravishing or being ravished. But it is an essential part of sexual polarity. It is something that can be felt in any situation. Not just in the bedroom. When two people are open to being ravished in love, it can take on a spiritual side. When you know your natural essence, be it masculine or feminine, you want to support the energy that flows between you and your partner.
Many people are trying to contain their true sexual essence. As we strive for equality, we can also live true to our masculine or feminine essence. If we don’t, there are consequences. Seeking sameness makes sense in a business setting, but not in intimacy. It is these attractive differences that need to be magnified not reduced. The attempt to create an artificial personality can have a negative effect in many ways; physical, psychological, and spiritual. When you deny your true essence, you actually deny the prospect of real love. When you hide your true desires, you become divided and you are unable to let go into the full openness of love. When we are clamped down and untrue to our natural essence, we feel fear and anxiety and this creates an inability to fully express the love that we are. Even though you may have created a stable relationship and a thriving career, there will still be that sense of emptiness, that sense of something missing if you are not driven to a greater purpose in intimacy. While the changes that have come about in the last generation have been brought forth with good intentions, at the same time, they have, in some ways, served to neutralize the masculine and feminine polarity. Thus, many of us wind up denying our deepest core desires.
When we suppress our natural desires that come from either a masculine or feminine core, there is confusion, tension and struggle. Now that you understand these archetypes, it’s time to bring to consciousness the power and spirit of your true gifts. We can enter the third stage with a new identity, a new set of definitions to create more love and harmony. This is the moment of human evolution where a new level of love and consciousness are possible. This is the next step in human evolution: to know your identity, and to live from your deepest core as a gift to all beings.
Modern Intimacy coaching deepens awareness of who you really are. You begin to embrace each moment as an opportunity to create more love in the world. When you go from “what can I get?” to “what can I give?” you will be showered with love.
