Relationship Coaching Through the Deida Work

Thoughts on Chapter 3: Movie of David Deida's soon to be release book Instant Enlightenment.

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Chapter 3 of Instant Enlightenment is called “Movie”.

In this chapter, there is a comparison made to the “movie” we call our lives.

Generally, we are interested in a storyline that moves at a certain speed. What is going on in the world around us in many ways are either too fast or too slow to hold our interest. For instance, a leaf grows too slowly to take our attention and certain sound waves are not even in our auditory capacity.

We can slowdown or fast-forward movies on certain mechanical devices. The question is can we slowdown or fast-forward our experiences with our own being?

The answer is yes. You can train yourself to bring your attention to the story of your life in a way that develops your ability to open your heart in each moment. Thoughts come and go but if you really pay attention to your inner dialogue, you can slow down reactivity and speed up the sense of your heart’s yearning to be known.

One of the best ways to do so is to find the humor in each moment. When you are feeling that life is too difficult, try utilizing the method of visualization mentioned in the book, where you imagine fast-forwarding your life until it is somewhat of a cloud. This allows you to unhook yourself from the confines of the reality we self-create.

It’s a matter of practice and intention.

Children who come up through your relationship are your responsibility. If your intimacy is about struggle and control, children end up believing what is in their memory as reality. This can amount to a mis-education that continues a cycle of suffering generation after generation. If we look at what is going on in many intimate relationships, it is the innocent children who are being saddled with a reality that is actually quite primitive.

If as a parent, you are imposing your ignorance and/or your unwillingness to replace negative behavior patterns that are repetitive of your parents’ and those that came before them, there will be a consequence.

How you live your life can have the effect of creating a warped reality for children, when dangerous behaviors are transmitted. Children are programmed to receive information from authority. The child’s brain automatically believes what he sees and it gets passed on from generation to generation.

If a state of emotional infancy continues to be an inheritance, then there is a need for a new perspective. With the information that is available on how to express a deeper level of love, to do anything less than re-patterning your thinking, some might consider that a form of child abuse.

Something to ponder.

The play of masculine and feminine can be extraordinarily subtle. If you are the feminine partner, the style and structure of how to enhance these qualities in an intimate relationship depends on your willingness to relinquish your masculine direction. If you are the masculine partner, you want to relinquish your feminine.

Here is an example based on an exchange that went on in a workshop:

A woman wanted to know why her partner was turned off in an occasion where they were on vacation. It was winter and they had a cabin in the woods. They were out for several hours and returned to find that the wood in the fireplace had burned down. As they entered the cabin, she said ever so sweetly “Honey, could you put more wood on the fire?”

That certainly sounded sweet enough, so why wouldn’t he want to put more wood on the fire? The reality is that very subtly she is giving him direction. She was telling him what to do rather than expressing how she felt.

Think about it, he takes her direction and puts more wood on the fire. It’s as though he has fulfilled her wish but has also been told what to do. Let’s not nitpick about this being right or wrong, because there is no right or wrong.

If you are a masculine person, there is a difference between being asked or ‘told’ what to do, or responding to the feminine’s need to be fulfilled emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually.

In the case of the cold cabin couple, just a simple “I’m cold…” would have been enough to inspire him to literally chop down the forest to bring her warmth.

Try to bring more awareness to verbal communication, tone of voice, eye contact, facial and body expression, touch, sounds, timing and the intensity of your presence.

Look for upcoming posts as we go more into depth about how you can use each of these forms of communication to effectively deepen your relationship.

I recently met a friend at a macrobiotic restaurant in New York City called ‘Souen’. It has been there for over thirty years and is excellent macrobiotic fare. A page on their menu has an explanation of the macrobiotic philosophy. They emphasized the need for balance in diet and in life – a balance of Yin and Yang.

Balance of Yin and Yang is an image that if you apply it to an intimate relationship, you can see the benefits. If at any moment, two partners are both in their masculine or both in their feminine simultaneously, you do not have the extremes of polar opposites. For there to be polarity, attraction, aliveness in an intimate relationship, one person must be willing to animate their masculine, and the other to animate their feminine. Understanding the characteristics masculine and feminine is essential to have this divine meeting between He and She.

For instance, if a woman who has been leading the troops all day in the office, and brings this disposition home, you will have two masculine forces competing in the relationship.

Likewise, if the masculine partner has a very artistic job that is focused on flow, creativity and movement, he has to leave that style of relating at the office or else you have two feminine energies going with the flow. It might be pleasurable to be in this flow, but there is not going to be much attraction.

Recently, I came across an article about research done by University of Haifa School of Social Work that explains how the presence of one’s father impacts intimacy in adulthood. Orphans or children of divorce have a much lower rate of being involved in intimate relationships than children whose parents stayed married.

I would like to add to this research the fact that a father may stay in a marriage, but if he is not someone with a sense of purpose, that too can have a detrimental effect on the children and their future intimate relationships.

I have encountered countless numbers of adults who experience difficulty in engaging in an intimate relationship – they are unable or unwilling to express their emotions, have fears of being abandoned or being controlled, or they could even be overly controlling. The list could fill many pages. Yet, they are people whose parents have been together many years, and in many cases are still together. One of the catches is that their parents are more friends than lovers.

In Enlightened Intimacy, one learns to develop a relationship where partners are not only friends but also lovers and teaching partners. They are all necessary elements of a conscious relationship that will inevitably serve not only the couple, but their children, friends, family and the world.

When you understand the hidden psychology of masculine and the feminine, the mystery as to why there is so much pain and struggle starts to become clear. Enlightened Intimacy is based on the groundbreaking work of the books and recorded talks of author David Deida. This profound and extraordinary body of work will open your heart and bring you to the portal of spiritual growth that you could not have imagined. This work has tremendous value. It is profound, passionate and challenging.

The key to relationship problems is found in education. Education, education, and education. Understanding the differences of your partner and using those differences to go deeper in love is the only solution. We are what we seek. If your desire is to give and receive love in a balanced way, you will most likely fail. True intimacy is found in giving and keeping your heart open in the midst of hurt. If you are really ready to change your disposition and this work touches you, you will never be the same. If you want to be held in love’s fearless embrace, the first step is to shine a light on where there has been darkness.

To get started, you can download the first few chapters of The Way of the Superior Man, the most popular and the most recommended book which is read by as many women as men. It says in men’s language what women have been trying to tell men since the dawn of civilization. It’s not about being superior over anyone. It details what qualities both men and women believe make someone superior who has a masculine disposition.

The more you educate yourself, through reading and practice, the more it becomes familiar to you. I invite you to explore intimacy as a spiritual practice.

One very essential way to address relationship challenges is to become educated.
The two subjects people talk most about are love and money. Enlightened Intimacy is dedicated to addressing love relationship between intimate partners as there seems to be a crisis in our culture in how people communicate in this area.

It is about finding a deep level of connection, not only with an intimate partner, but with yourself. It's time to stop complaining about your relationship or the relationship you hope for and start doing something about it! For most of us everything we learned about relationships started with oabserving mom and dad or whoever were our primary caretakers. For most of us that wasn’t a pretty picture. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s television, unintelligent films, school, religion, and government. The divorce rate is 50% and climbing: secret affairs abound and you could say things look a little bleak; anti-depressants, fighting, struggling, addictions, etc.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

(to be continued)

At the turn of the century, a significant portion of the population lived on farms. Men worked with men; brothers, uncles, cousins, dads. Women spent a significant amount of time with women; household chores, raising children, etc.

Men born after World War II found themselves in a society that was much more urbanized. Fathers, uncles, brothers, and cousins were more likely to be separated from each other in the workforce. Men had a further misfortune of growing up during the only era of recent Western history in which it was not always a good thing to be a male. This was primarily the result of significant family and social changes in the post war era: boys were disconnected from their fathers and other healthy male role models, and boys were forced to seek approval from women and accept a female definition of what it meant to be male.

Boys came home from school and their mothers were in charge. Furthermore, a considerable number of teachers in the educational system are women. So, boys had greater influence from women than in previous eras. What boys learned was that it was important to get approval from women, to be a nice guy.

Dr. Robert A. Glover, in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, explains

Five decades of dramatic social change and monumental shifts in the traditional family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others. Nice guys are concerned about looking good and doing it right. They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice guys avoid conflict like the plague, and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone.

According to Dr. Glover, nice guy behaviors include “caretaking, giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, and hiding mistakes.”

Along with Dr. Glover's book, understanding the principles of The Way of the Superior Man can help address the malaise of men today.

Intimate Communion is David Deida's first book. It deals with a style of intimacy that involves deep passion, deep emotion and deep understanding, what I would call Enlightened Intimacy. When a man and a woman embrace one another without guarding themselves, protecting or holding back, they naturally transmit an extraordinary force of love, sexual energy and oneness. After a period of time, many intimacies become at best a loving friendship where both partners desire something deeper.

This book explains how to cultivate, sustain and grow the depth of connection that arises at the start of a relationship - the attractive power of heartfelt passion and spiritual vitality.

Over the last 40 years, there has been a new level of personal freedom established for men and women to feel into and express both their masculine and feminine qualities. This period has led to great changes in society and, most importantly, legislation to protect women's rights has brought forth opportunities for women to be free of the fixed traditional roles that held them in a place since the dawn of civilization.

No one knew how these changes would affect the way people engaged in their intimate relationships. Some of the changes have been for the better and at the same time, there has been an unexpected consequence. In our attempt to create a society where people are whole and balanced, we have also suffered an unplanned side effect of this well-intentioned movement.

Many men have become stuck in a vague transition point between old models of masculine and a supposed more balanced identity, but find they are unable to be fully present in their relationships and in their lives.

Modern men and women have discovered that equality by itself does not make for a passionate and growing relationship. Enlightened Intimacy deals with how we can liberate the mysterious force of love that lays yearning in our hearts.

Thoughts on Chapter 2: Oral of David Deida's soon to be release book Instant Enlightenment.

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Chapter 2 is entitled “Oral.” In this Chapter, emphasis is placed on the exquisite sensitivity of the lips and tongue, and the sensitivity to giving and receiving pleasure. A reference is given to a jellyfish, who has no tongue, but whose whole body is perhaps as sensitive as a tongue. Imagine, for a moment that your entire body is as sensitive as your tongue. Imagine that your body was kissing your clothing; your hands were kissing your keyboard, your hands massaging your beloved. We would be a wild bundle of sensations.

Now, bring your attention to the sensitivity of your tongue just in the secluded area of your mouth. But imagine that as a jellyfish, that sensitivity would be expanded in all directions, and from this disposition what is the most artful way to give and receive with your mouth?

Imagine a drop of curried water, and the different reaction you would have to it if it fell on your palm, and what if it landed on your tongue. You would discover your tongue’s extreme sensitivities that are the realm of human experience. The next time you are kissing your lover, feel the responsiveness amplified as you connect to their heart, opening to the flow of love between your bodies. That source is from your mouth perhaps in a way you have never experienced it before.

Your liberated love is a blessing to all.

Want to have great sex?

Educate yourself on your sexual essence

One of the keys to working with the Deida principles is having a clear understanding of what is masculine and what is feminine. Most of us think we know what it is. We observe others and evaluate them as being to some degree either female or male. The use of the terms “male” and “female” to describe a person’s sexual characteristic can be confusing.

Except for rare exceptions, we are all born either male or female; however, a female person can have very masculine characteristics and vice versa.

We all have a sexual core, a sexual essence, if you will. Rarely have any of us been educated with the specific details that define what ones sexual essence is, be it masculine or feminine. With a clear definition of what is masculine and feminine and how to relate to where you most reside in your sexual core, there would be much less confusion, struggle and suffering in intimate relationships.

Until I started studying the Deida work, how masculine or feminine a person was, was not something I considered. Understanding it has been a revelation and very healing.

The details about great sex will be coming soon.

The following is an excerpt of Chapter 1: God off David Deida's soon to be release book Instant Enlightenment.

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What does it mean to open to God, or to love God?

Imagine somebody you love the most in your life, perhaps your child, your mother, your lover, or best friend. Feel what it is to love that person.

Now, pick an object near you, like this book, or the floor beneath you, or a pillow nearby. Love whatever object you choose with the same intensity with which you love your most-loved person.

You may feel strange loving a book, floor, or pillow so fully, but you can do it. Practice loving until you feel your chosen object with the same love you offer your most-loved friend.

When you can love an object as fully as your most-loved person, then practice loving the space around you. Love the space extending instant enlightenment in front of you, behind you, left and right of you, above and below you. Love outwardly in all directions, with the same feeling with which you open to your most-loved person.

Then practice loving everything within you—even your darkest secret places of shame and perversity—with the same love you offer to your most-loved person. This may take some time, or you may be able to do it right away.

If you love one person, you can love God. God is everything and what is beyond everything—all of which you can love. Love everything and everyone that you know and don’t know, and you are loving God. Open to everything inside and outside of you, even the unknowable mystery beyond everything. Open to feel and love all, the visible and the unknown, and that is opening to God, or loving God.

Every day, set aside a few moments to do this: Start by feeling the person you love the most. Then, offer your same fullness of love to objects, to other people, and to the space instant enlightenment around you, eventually loving inwardly and outwardly with no end.

Every instant you love so fully is enlightenment. But because you are used to contracting your feeling due to habit, in the next instant you may suddenly find yourself absorbed in picking your nose or scratching your chin as you work for world peace by writing your congressman.

Your loving may be truncated for days as you become lost in duties and chores, or mired in emotional turmoil, or gloating in brief success.

Instant enlightenment is to love, right now, as if you were loving your most-loved person. No matter what you are feeling or experiencing, you can love without holding anything back. This is what it means to love God.

You may find your attention absorbed in passing events—raising a family, succeeding at a career, talking, sexing, or eating. You may not be opening to God for the sake of your instant enlightenment temporary experience. Your ever-changing life never quite fulfills you for good, and you know it.

So start by feeling the person you love the most, and open to include every aspect of each moment in the openness of your love.

Offering yourself open in this way is instant enlightenment.

When you put these three words into your vocabulary with regards to intimacy and relationships, you will begin to experience another level of consciousness.

When you see an intimate relationship as something to be cultivated and the open-heartedness stabilized, you will begin to sustain a relationship that is satisfying, healing and, I might dare say, ecstatic. Know your sexual core in intimacy, be it masculine or feminine.

Once it is clear to you whether you most reside in your masculine or in your feminine with regards to intimacy, then you will have a greater understanding of the dynamic between you and your chosen partner.

Stop hoping for completion of anything in life.

“The masculine error is to think that eventually things would be different in some fundamental way”

As long as we are on the earth, we will always be subjected to constant change and the unpredictable. The challenge is to keep your heart open in each present moment while moving forward to do what you believe in.

What is your calling? What is your passion? When you know this, you can face the constant change and unpredictability of ‘her’ – as in life on ‘mother earth’

Are you willing to do what you need to do to live a life that is fully given? Are you doing what you need to do to die complete? If this is your last moment, can you say that you have lived your deepest purpose with daring and imagination? Have you been resourceful and creative in aligning your purpose with your work, family and partner? If you stop hoping for completion of anything, that you will stop trying to control that which cannot be controlled. You must simple reach within your heart to find humor in the unending unpredictability of life on earth.

“Every moment waited is a moment wasted, and each moment degrades your clarity of purpose”

The book that is most recommended to understanding the principles of enlightened intimacy is ‘The Way of the Superior Man’. The title in no way is to suggest that man is superior to woman. Rather, it defines in clear terms what it is that both women and men find to be superior in a person with a masculine essence.

We all have some masculine and some feminine but most men tend to have more masculine traits than feminine. In enlightened intimacy, the traits of both feminine and masculine are ultimately at their core the notion ‘how can we create more love?’

How can we cultivate it, sustain it and stabilize it?

The introduction to ‘The Way of the Superior Man’ can be downloaded on the DeidaCentral website. These 12 short pages will give you an overall view on the principles of enlightened intimacy.

If this work speaks to you, your life will never be the same. It is revolutionizing the way men and women relate spiritually and sexually.